'Twas the Night Before Christmas in the ol' dutton house
The kids were all sleeping, so we slowly got soused.
A bottle of champagne so big and so cheap,
we knew the next day we'd need 3 aspirin each.
We made naughty snowflakes, not quite a 'holy night'task,
"Is there a penis in this flake???" dear old Santy would ask.
We sang Christmas carols and a few slipknot songs,
when I could no longer strum, I handed the guitar to John.
When out on the lawn, there arose sucha clatter,
we all sprang outside to see what was the matter.
Dean had fallen off the porch, but had a grin ear to ear,
"naked nativity!" he cried (the tab had broken from his beer)
Then from up on the roof, we heard the jingle of bells.
Santa peeked over the top, and said, "what the hell?!?!"
"Don't you all know that it's 4 in the morn?
The kids will be up soon!" he said with such scorn.
So down came the fellow with his big bag of toys,
and he shooed us all in, all us bad girls and boys.
Then he made us clean up, every can, every scrap,
all while he sat with a beer in his lap.
When the house was all clean, he tucked us in bed,
and set out the toys and then kissed all our heads.
Then he rose up the chimney (with Dean's Guinness in hand)
and away Santy went to other parts of the land.
But we heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas Dutton house, and to all a good night!"
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Happy Turkey Day
Things I am Thankful For
My two beautiful children, who are healthy and amazing.
Excedrin Tension Headache...because healthy children are loud and tension-causing.
Internet, for allowing recluses like me a window to the world where we can blog, play Neopets, and web md our symptoms that might just be dengue fever.
Wine.
Champagne.
A wonderful husband who is also my best friend. No one else can make me so mad and so happy. Not to mention he buys me Internet and makes pretty babies.
Bravo, Fox(ch. 15, NOT the news network...that's an entirely different list), Best week Ever and The Soup
My siblings. My partners in crime who have my back, but will throw me under the bus in a heartbeat if mom gives them 'the eye'. No one else makes me laugh so much, or makes me so brave.
Tissues with vick's vapo rub.
Anything Pepperidge Farm has ever made.
Gardening.
Wine.
ohhhh bud light with lime...that's yummy too.
Johnny Depp.
Chocolate.
Wine.
Music, and the ability express myself through guitar and lyrics.
OBAMA '08
My mom, because no matter what, she is only a phone call away when I am in tears and ready to run away and join the circus. And she usually brings snacks. Or wine.
My stinky Lila kitty.
Diet Dr. Pepper.
Calvin and Hobbes.
My whole family, near or far, old or new. I am 26 and still acquiring new brothers and sisters and that's pretty neat. :)
My vacuum cleaner.
Mascara. Never leave home without it.
My camera because I love being able to freeze time for a second, so I can go back and remember it, and share that with people.
Turkeys, for being so damn yummy. Sorry, I hate thinking about eating an animal...but really...you're just asking for it, being so damn tasty.
Laughter....I can never get enough of laughter. It is the best feeling in the whole world to laugh.
And of course I am so thankful, for having a strong healthy body, a healthy mind, healthy hands to play my guitar, healthy legs to dance, and a warm, healthy heart to laugh and love. Thank you God, for every blessing in my life, great and small. Though I guess there really are no small blessings. Everything we are, everything around us, every breath we take is a blessing, a miracle and a gift.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Now, where's the wine?
My two beautiful children, who are healthy and amazing.
Excedrin Tension Headache...because healthy children are loud and tension-causing.
Internet, for allowing recluses like me a window to the world where we can blog, play Neopets, and web md our symptoms that might just be dengue fever.
Wine.
Champagne.
A wonderful husband who is also my best friend. No one else can make me so mad and so happy. Not to mention he buys me Internet and makes pretty babies.
Bravo, Fox(ch. 15, NOT the news network...that's an entirely different list), Best week Ever and The Soup
My siblings. My partners in crime who have my back, but will throw me under the bus in a heartbeat if mom gives them 'the eye'. No one else makes me laugh so much, or makes me so brave.
Tissues with vick's vapo rub.
Anything Pepperidge Farm has ever made.
Gardening.
Wine.
ohhhh bud light with lime...that's yummy too.
Johnny Depp.
Chocolate.
Wine.
Music, and the ability express myself through guitar and lyrics.
OBAMA '08
My mom, because no matter what, she is only a phone call away when I am in tears and ready to run away and join the circus. And she usually brings snacks. Or wine.
My stinky Lila kitty.
Diet Dr. Pepper.
Calvin and Hobbes.
My whole family, near or far, old or new. I am 26 and still acquiring new brothers and sisters and that's pretty neat. :)
My vacuum cleaner.
Mascara. Never leave home without it.
My camera because I love being able to freeze time for a second, so I can go back and remember it, and share that with people.
Turkeys, for being so damn yummy. Sorry, I hate thinking about eating an animal...but really...you're just asking for it, being so damn tasty.
Laughter....I can never get enough of laughter. It is the best feeling in the whole world to laugh.
And of course I am so thankful, for having a strong healthy body, a healthy mind, healthy hands to play my guitar, healthy legs to dance, and a warm, healthy heart to laugh and love. Thank you God, for every blessing in my life, great and small. Though I guess there really are no small blessings. Everything we are, everything around us, every breath we take is a blessing, a miracle and a gift.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Now, where's the wine?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Adventures in Feces
*caution* do not read if you are afraid of poop, or are eating.. You have been warned.
So, for those of you who know me well, you know who my arch nemesis is....that's right....poop. (boo!! hiss!!!) Ok, well, actually you don't even have to know me well. You could be someone who sat near me in Applebee's, at a movie theater, or walked by me in Wal-Mart and overheard me not-so-quietly regaling a family member with this week's tales of poop-tastrophes. Hey, if you spent your days elbow deep in other people's poo for 6 years, you would discuss it a lot too. Don't judge. I hate poop.
But, alas, at every turn, there it is. I walk through my house in constant search of it. Sniffing the air like an animal on the hunt. Searching it out and finding it in the darndest of places. I smell it..where is it? Aha. the litter box. My awesome cats decided to poo and not cover it up. Perhaps they think such an awesome smell should be shared, not hidden. Ok, clean out the litter box...and while emptying it, I accidentally miss the bag and dump the entire contents on my feet...sweet. clean it up, clean myself up....go about my busine...wait. *sniffsniff* poop. There's still poop. Where is it? Ew. Ok, guinea pigs went crazy on the carrots last night, and my reward for loving them is a thousand little pill-shaped nuggets of stench. Poop. Clean the piggy cage. Are you serious?! I still smell poop. Searching, searching. Aha. OK, WHO DIDN'T FLUSH??? Of course, no answer. Silence in a usually ear-splittingly chaotic house. No one wants to claim it. It's mom's now. No 'thanks' necessary, mum.*flush* A solid ten minutes of a poo-free home, and suddenly, there it is again. "Argggg....poooooooop" **shaking my fist**
I walk in on Abby, trying to take off her freshly pooed undies, smearing poo down her legs, and inevitably, the bathroom floor. "come here," I help her step out of them, and the motion slingshots a big lovely SLAP of poop against my pant leg. Awe-some.
Poop, you've won again. Well played.
And so, you see my pain. My life is spent cleaning up poop. Should have read the fine print. But anyway, I say all this, so that I can bring you this week's latest poo-caper:
The other night, Dean and I were laying in bed, watching t.v., romantically snuggling. Blissfully unaware poo was about to rear it's ugly head. Abby comes around the corner of the hall, her arm outstretched, devilish gleam in her eye. Something pinched between her two fingers..."what does she have?" too far away to tell...but deep down...I knew. She came a little closer. No longer could we deny. It was, of course, a morsel of turd. Dean got up to go inspect, (he knows the drill- when he's home, it's his turn to play poo-janitor), and came back with the report that she had pooped her pants, taken them off, and decided to play betty crocker with her feces. He found a few balls, and a couple pancakes. Fresh from the oven. He proceeded to 'clean up' her room and her body, and came back to give the all clear. Knowing a man's definition of 'clean' I went to inspect. There was chunks of poo on the carpet, poo smears on her little kitchen set, and the coup de gras, I found poo...in her cash register. Now, my friends, not just poo. A poo-raisin. An undigested, poo covered raisin, that perhaps, she was saving for later? I can picture her thinking about it, staring at it. "It still looks ok. I think this is salvageable..." Tucking it safely away. So I proceeded to sanitize everything, searching on my hands and knees for any stray nugs, wiping down every surface. I don't know how my husband likes to clean, but I have a strict 'No chunks of shit' policy.
So, I am sorry for any appetites I have ruined, but now you know. You can understand why I have such anger towards poo. And now you can take pity on me if you ever come to my house and it smells like poo. It's not my fault, it's just out to get me.
So, for those of you who know me well, you know who my arch nemesis is....that's right....poop. (boo!! hiss!!!) Ok, well, actually you don't even have to know me well. You could be someone who sat near me in Applebee's, at a movie theater, or walked by me in Wal-Mart and overheard me not-so-quietly regaling a family member with this week's tales of poop-tastrophes. Hey, if you spent your days elbow deep in other people's poo for 6 years, you would discuss it a lot too. Don't judge. I hate poop.
But, alas, at every turn, there it is. I walk through my house in constant search of it. Sniffing the air like an animal on the hunt. Searching it out and finding it in the darndest of places. I smell it..where is it? Aha. the litter box. My awesome cats decided to poo and not cover it up. Perhaps they think such an awesome smell should be shared, not hidden. Ok, clean out the litter box...and while emptying it, I accidentally miss the bag and dump the entire contents on my feet...sweet. clean it up, clean myself up....go about my busine...wait. *sniffsniff* poop. There's still poop. Where is it? Ew. Ok, guinea pigs went crazy on the carrots last night, and my reward for loving them is a thousand little pill-shaped nuggets of stench. Poop. Clean the piggy cage. Are you serious?! I still smell poop. Searching, searching. Aha. OK, WHO DIDN'T FLUSH??? Of course, no answer. Silence in a usually ear-splittingly chaotic house. No one wants to claim it. It's mom's now. No 'thanks' necessary, mum.*flush* A solid ten minutes of a poo-free home, and suddenly, there it is again. "Argggg....poooooooop" **shaking my fist**
I walk in on Abby, trying to take off her freshly pooed undies, smearing poo down her legs, and inevitably, the bathroom floor. "come here," I help her step out of them, and the motion slingshots a big lovely SLAP of poop against my pant leg. Awe-some.
Poop, you've won again. Well played.
And so, you see my pain. My life is spent cleaning up poop. Should have read the fine print. But anyway, I say all this, so that I can bring you this week's latest poo-caper:
The other night, Dean and I were laying in bed, watching t.v., romantically snuggling. Blissfully unaware poo was about to rear it's ugly head. Abby comes around the corner of the hall, her arm outstretched, devilish gleam in her eye. Something pinched between her two fingers..."what does she have?" too far away to tell...but deep down...I knew. She came a little closer. No longer could we deny. It was, of course, a morsel of turd. Dean got up to go inspect, (he knows the drill- when he's home, it's his turn to play poo-janitor), and came back with the report that she had pooped her pants, taken them off, and decided to play betty crocker with her feces. He found a few balls, and a couple pancakes. Fresh from the oven. He proceeded to 'clean up' her room and her body, and came back to give the all clear. Knowing a man's definition of 'clean' I went to inspect. There was chunks of poo on the carpet, poo smears on her little kitchen set, and the coup de gras, I found poo...in her cash register. Now, my friends, not just poo. A poo-raisin. An undigested, poo covered raisin, that perhaps, she was saving for later? I can picture her thinking about it, staring at it. "It still looks ok. I think this is salvageable..." Tucking it safely away. So I proceeded to sanitize everything, searching on my hands and knees for any stray nugs, wiping down every surface. I don't know how my husband likes to clean, but I have a strict 'No chunks of shit' policy.
So, I am sorry for any appetites I have ruined, but now you know. You can understand why I have such anger towards poo. And now you can take pity on me if you ever come to my house and it smells like poo. It's not my fault, it's just out to get me.
Friday, November 7, 2008
A Nukular Win...hehehehe
Well, I am so happy that my first post can be about something so wonderful. This Monday we voted Barack Obama in as our next President of the United States. (queue round of applause)
There isn't anything that I can say, that hasn't already been said about it, but still I just have to be in awe at what has happened. Not only has the country elected someone young, trustworthy, intelligent and kind into the White House, but the most groundbreaking achievement here, above all else....
We have elected someone who can pronounce 'nuclear'
(praise Jesus! hallelujah! amen! *queue upbeat gospel choir*)
What a wonderful, wonderful day it is, when we can now send someone overseas to meet with foreign ambassadors and rulers, who will actually sound like they know what they're doing. What a gift we have given ourselves, that we will be able to watch our beloved president give speeches, and actually understand the sentences he is trying to form, instead of shaking our heads and doing a shot every time we hear a 'Bushism'.
Thank you America....God Bless.
Ahhh.......how my funny bone will miss the Bush years. But, I have to bring it down to a serious note. Because this truly, truly is a historical event. We have elected the first black American to be president. Regardless of politics, views, whatever else, that is a wonderful thing. I am so inspired to see that from the dark, dark place of slavery and bondage that began the African American's history in our country, he has now gained freedom, acceptance, and risen to the very apex of our society, becoming leader of the free world. What a journey. I didn't find out Obama won until Tuesday morning, and I didn't cry when I did find out, because I was just plain happy. But later that morning I was watching the View and one of the hosts, Sherri Shepherd, a comic, mother, and very strong black woman, was speaking about what the win meant for her. She said that when she found out, she went to her young son's bedroom, and knelt at his bedside, and could finally say that 'baby, there are no limitations...NO limitations'.....then she was bawling, and I was bawling....because think about that. As a mother, as a parent, you look at your child, and want them to reach for the stars. As a white mother, I look at my kids, and see a future of optimism, hope, and setting goals for themselves that are lofty, but attainable. I never realized what a gift that is, to never question all that my children can be. But now, there are thousands of black mothers and fathers everywhere, that can look at their children and say, you can be anything you want to be...anything. No settling, no excuses for not wanting more for yourself. No limitations.
So, while I know for myself, for the politics of it, Obama's win is a wonderful victory, I have to step back, and acknowledge what a huge moment this is for all people of color in our country, what a barrier that has been broken for them. I will not pretend to know what it's like to be black in our country, to understand fully the struggles for freedom, equality, and respect they have endured. But I know and understand that this has truly been a victory of the spirit.
God Bless America.
There isn't anything that I can say, that hasn't already been said about it, but still I just have to be in awe at what has happened. Not only has the country elected someone young, trustworthy, intelligent and kind into the White House, but the most groundbreaking achievement here, above all else....
We have elected someone who can pronounce 'nuclear'
(praise Jesus! hallelujah! amen! *queue upbeat gospel choir*)
What a wonderful, wonderful day it is, when we can now send someone overseas to meet with foreign ambassadors and rulers, who will actually sound like they know what they're doing. What a gift we have given ourselves, that we will be able to watch our beloved president give speeches, and actually understand the sentences he is trying to form, instead of shaking our heads and doing a shot every time we hear a 'Bushism'.
Thank you America....God Bless.
Ahhh.......how my funny bone will miss the Bush years. But, I have to bring it down to a serious note. Because this truly, truly is a historical event. We have elected the first black American to be president. Regardless of politics, views, whatever else, that is a wonderful thing. I am so inspired to see that from the dark, dark place of slavery and bondage that began the African American's history in our country, he has now gained freedom, acceptance, and risen to the very apex of our society, becoming leader of the free world. What a journey. I didn't find out Obama won until Tuesday morning, and I didn't cry when I did find out, because I was just plain happy. But later that morning I was watching the View and one of the hosts, Sherri Shepherd, a comic, mother, and very strong black woman, was speaking about what the win meant for her. She said that when she found out, she went to her young son's bedroom, and knelt at his bedside, and could finally say that 'baby, there are no limitations...NO limitations'.....then she was bawling, and I was bawling....because think about that. As a mother, as a parent, you look at your child, and want them to reach for the stars. As a white mother, I look at my kids, and see a future of optimism, hope, and setting goals for themselves that are lofty, but attainable. I never realized what a gift that is, to never question all that my children can be. But now, there are thousands of black mothers and fathers everywhere, that can look at their children and say, you can be anything you want to be...anything. No settling, no excuses for not wanting more for yourself. No limitations.
So, while I know for myself, for the politics of it, Obama's win is a wonderful victory, I have to step back, and acknowledge what a huge moment this is for all people of color in our country, what a barrier that has been broken for them. I will not pretend to know what it's like to be black in our country, to understand fully the struggles for freedom, equality, and respect they have endured. But I know and understand that this has truly been a victory of the spirit.
God Bless America.
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